Funny Quotes

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
--Woody Allen

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
--Bill Cosby

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
--Ellen DeGeneres

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
--Jay Leno

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
--Joan Rivers